Who Likes Your Dirt?

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I recently read a blog, 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person.

In this blog, Wong discusses three (3) “truths”, in his opinion, that transforms our way to becoming a better individual. They are as follows: (1) everything inside you will fight improvement; (2) what you are inside only matters because of what it makes you do; and (3) you hate yourself because you don’t do anything.

Each “truth” as previously mentioned above, elaborates on the outlook on how we, as individuals, convince ourselves the lie in which some of us live. What is that lie you ask? It is the lie,“it is what’s on the inside that counts”.

I’d like to say I agree with Wong and his nonprofessional opinions, while some are very well thought, others seem to grasp my attention as…lacking per say.

Wong argues that “nobody cares about your dirt” that is, no one cares about who you are on the inside, it is meaningless without what it can produce. So basically, because everyone has needs, people seem to over-look the fact you possibly are a kind-hearted individual unless you produce something for that individual. I recently experienced an EXTREMELY difficult break-up with my boyfriend. By recently, I mean literally just yesterday. During which, I received a telephone call from my boyfriend right as I finished working out at the gym. Let me back up for a moment. During this same day, he became more distant than lately and I asked if I would get to be speaking with him later. He said, “Yes” and I was back to my merry self, or so I thought.

I got off work, drove by my dwelling and changed into my work-out gear, drove to pick up my daughter from summer day camp and then, headed to the gym. I was 2/10ths of a mile to finishing my workout for the day when my boyfriend’s delightful picture lit up my phone. I jumped off the treadmill and told my daughter I was stepping outside real quick. Now, because I was running, I seemed a little out of breath and was trying my hardest to hide myself from gasping for air while I was on the phone. Anyway, our conversation begins by him asking what I was doing, how my day was-you know those basic standard everyday questions. Because I was still trying to catch my breath, I was unable to speak at that very moment. Then, the tone in his voice change substantially from when we were first speaking and there was quite-what seemed like a long pause. Then he says, “Barbie, I don’t think I am going to come down this weekend.” Let me back up even further. For the past three (3) weeks, I had not seen him and this was not normal in our relationship. He had been hanging out with his friend on many, many different occasions. So, I did what any great girlfriend would do-I gave him his space. So needless to say, I had already planned out this weekend and was looking forward to it. As of Monday, he was looking forward to it too (or so I thought). Between Monday evening and Wednesday evening, his thought process shifted in regards to our relationship.

Ok-ok, back to the conversation. I begin to cry asking him, “Why-why are you doing this? Why don’t you want to see me?” At this point, I could already tell he was not finished and I had cut him off just as he was speaking. That pause seemed like an eternity. Then, he began to address me by my first name (another uncommon practice in our relationship). Deep down inside, for a total of about 20 seconds, I was preparing myself for the absolute worse. Then, what comes next is every person’s dreadful fear. “Barbie, you just aren’t the right girl for me.” Can I just say, I cried like the biggest baby (still doing so now) and my emotions went full throttle.

We dated a year and a half (roughly). Yes-yes, I know most of you may be thinking, “This isn’t even a long time”. For me though, it was. You see, it was the longest relationship I had been a part of in over ten (10) plus years and there were only two (2) relationships before this one, not lasting near as long.

My grieving process went straight from desperate for answers, to denial, to bargaining, to relapse, to anger. I made hurtful comments to him and in all honesty, he was just being honest with me. The sad part about my break up is that I had a feeling this was approaching, but because I loved him so much I could not accept it-not now anyway. You see, he was such a great guy and was so good to my daughter and I. We hardly ever argued, but when we did, it would last for at least a week or two and then we would be great! He didn’t love me and as he stated, “There is just not a connection like I had with my other girlfriends.” I know what you’re thinking-shitty right? Who says that?! Then, after my anger left I could focus a little clearer and had to accept his decision (although I continue to highly discourage it). Most people say better now than much later. Honestly, I would love to spend another year or two with this guy-regardless of the outcome!

Here is what I clarified with myself, after he said, “There is just not a connection like I had with my other girlfriends.” I thought this guy that genuinely cares for you and your child did not want to break up with you, he did not want to have to say those words, he did not want to hurt me. All of this is true. He had been feeling this way for a while, but was waiting and hoping for change just as I was. He wanted to make certain-make the right decision for everyone. He wanted to be honest with me so much, even if it hurt me or him. You see, we tend to forget how relationships work and end. I hear people constantly say, “It’s 50/50.” I have to disagree. It is not 50/50. When someone says that I have to say, “So, if I understand you correctly, you are indicating that you and your partner/spouse only give 50% effort on each end?” Now wonder why our divorce rate in this country is on a constant rise! Let me assure you, it is neither 50/50 nor 100/100. Making a relationship work takes 200% on both ends. Why do I say 200% and not 100% you ask? Because giving 200% is pushing at the point you are uncomfortable. When you become comfortable with something or someone, you are confusing that with laziness. People can become comfortable at 100%. This is extremely common.

So you see, if a relationship has one partner giving 50% and the other giving 100%, the scale begins to tip and the partner giving 100% becomes drained, exhausted and tired. Same as if both partners gave only 50% each. They aren’t trying hard at all! The relationship becomes dull and mundane. But if both partners put in 200% that is, when they become uncomfortable but keep pushing forward, even if they feel like they can’t, then their relationship will strive.

Wong indicated in his blog that, “nobody cares about your dirt”, and I have to agree. I think most people do care about what’s on the inside, but if you cannot produce anything to others based simply on how you are on the inside, it does not seem to make a difference. Now let’s go back to my break up with my boyfriend. During our phone conversation, he literally states I’m the kindest person he has ever dated, the sweetest and most tender-hearted woman, a great mother, a wonderful Christian-you get the idea. So, I am the sweetest woman ever and you don’t want to be with me? See how confusing this becomes? Now, at this point your brain starts telling you, “Barbie, if you are such a kind and generous person, why on earth is he breaking up with you?!” Your mind begins to dwell in the darkest of places; you start making excuses as to why and what you did or did not do. You start thinking, “Is it my weight”, “is he not attracted to me anymore”, “is it another woman”, etc. The list begins to compile in your head as if you actually did something wrong! When in reality, no one did! He did not cheat on me (that I am aware of)-there was no other woman. I did not cheat on him. The problem was, while everything was great and we had fun every waking minute we were together, I was not producing something he needed.

It doesn’t matter if you are the best lover he has ever had, if there is not a connection and something is missing (even though you’re a great person), something you cannot produce-the relationship is bound to take its toll. Isn’t that interesting? Just think about this for a minute…

Everyone has needs. Needs must be met in order to make things work. Now, if you do not want to meet those needs, that is perfectly fine. I am not saying you should. What I am suggesting is this; not meeting your partner’s needs is a choice we make-we choose not to produce or we choose to produce. Now, once you make that decision and move forward with it, your relationship will either grow or slip away from your fingers. If you are uncomfortable with meeting certain needs of your partner/spouse, you make that choice not to do so. However, you cannot make this choice and expect your partner to be satisfied, when he/she is not. You cannot get upset because they are no longer into you like before, when the relationship began. And goodness gracious, you cannot get worked up if they break up with you. You knew by making these decisions, it would end at some point.

For example, my ex-boyfriend would tell you; she made me happy, our relationship was fun, she was the best lover I ever had “hands down”, she was sweet and caring, she was kind and I will miss her. These are all great qualities of us being together, but I did not produce anything for him to obtain that connection. I believe honestly the most difficult part is finding out what that connection is and working on it.

So, here is what I think: (1) communication is key (regardless if we like it or not); (2) choose to make that connection (it’s your choice to make it-no one else); (3) be happy in everything you do; and (4) pray to God for understanding.